POETRY / FICTION
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The Day I Realized That It Is Okay To Be Me
By: Cecilia Chausse
The day I had dreaded was here. I had been nervously awaiting this day, and now it has come. My first trip to the doctor. Don't get me wrong, I had been to doctors before, and always with some trepidation. But now was different. I had put off this visit for a year now, knowing that my life as I know it would end.
I got to the clinic five minutes early. I filled out all the usual paperwork that included everything but signing my last will and testament. Funny, I thought, maybe that's the one thing I should be signing. The nurse calls me in, and here was the end of my existence, the scale. The scale and I have never been friends, more like mortal enemies. From early puberty, it has been telling me what I knew in my heart to be true. I was unworthy, I was abnormal, I was FAT.
In my early teens it was only a small amount. Twenty pounds, thirty pounds, thirty-five pounds, on and on and on up. Gradually getting larger numbers, and I remember my mom talking to the doctor saying "Is there anything we can do??" She almost pleaded to the doctor for some miracle cure so she would not have a fat daughter. The doctor, as always, would spout the usual, diet and exercise. Diet and exercise, the words I have heard all my life. Those two words had plagued my existence. While other girls got cake and ice cream for their birthdays, I got tofu and rice cakes. All the others got to go for leisurely strolls with their boyfriends, I got 10 mile runs with my mother, who was praying that someway her little girl would not end up a blob. "You have such a pretty face" was issued over and over, telling me that everyone thought that underneath this large body, there was something to rescue.
As I approached the scale, I knew that the world would end if I saw those numbers, but a morbid curiosity kept me from looking away. I stepped on the scale, and then it happened..nothing. I saw the numbers, the highest they had ever been in my entire life, the numbers that I knew I would die if I ever got to. 400lbs. Actually, the scale said 401.5. But still I looked around, and I did not see an atom bomb mushroom cloud coming for me. Nor did I see the angel of death reach out for me. I was here. I was all right! The doctor's appointment went on as usual. It of course included the usual, the doctor berating me for my failure to lose weight. But somehow it did not affect me this time. He sounded like he was in a long tunnel, and I was easily able to tune him out. None of his words seem to have the gut wrenching ability to make me feel bad about myself. It felt weird.
After the appointment, I was still in that strange mood, but realized that I was running low on some necessaries. That of course meant a trip to Wal-Mart. As a big girl, I have always hated the experience of going to Wal-Mart. I would gird myself up for the trip, carefully writing a detailed list and then while there, making a mad dash for everything I need, making sure not to look up at the people I was passing. I knew what they were thinking, what they were saying in their minds about the fat girl approaching them, and I didn't want to see it in their eyes.
So I'm there, doing my "Flight of the Bumblebee" routine, zig zagging throughout the store. As I said, I usually never look at the people around me, but one woman kept catching my eye. I would be in one aisle, and look up and there she was, staring right at me. I would quickly go to another aisle, look up a few minutes later, and there she was again, staring at me with this puzzled look on her face.
I don't know what made me do it. I had never approached a stranger before, but at that moment all the years of being made fun of and ridiculed just hit me full force. I confidently held my head up, pushed my cart right towards her, at looked at her straight in the eye. By that time she had seen that I had noticed her, and pretended that she wasn't looking at me. It of course didn't work. Before I lost my nerve, I said, "Excuse me, I would appreciate it if you and all others like you would just leave me alone! What in the hell are you looking at?"
The shock on her face registered that she had been called out, and she turned to look at me. She was a lady only probably about 10 years older than I am, but still she looked as if she was someone's grandmother. She cleared her throat, and spoke. "I'm sorry if I have made you uncomfortable, my dear. I just honestly have never seen someone, of any size, have the energy and speed you do in grocery shopping. If only I had half the energy you do. I admire you, my dear, that is why I was staring, please forgive me." I was floored. She wasn't staring at my size, or thinking I was a fat pig. She wasn't even thinking that I didn't deserve to eat the food in my basket, which is what I was sure of that people were thinking as they looked at me. She actually said she admired me??
She made to move down the aisle, to get away from our uncomfortable confrontation, but I stopped her. " I'm so sorry." I said. "When people stare, I automatically think its because of my weight. Please forgive me. If only there were more people like you."
She gave me a small smile, turned her head and looked at me again. "My dear, if this is the first time someone has said this to you, or the first time you asked, then how do you know there aren't more people like me. As you were doing your shopping, I noticed that not once did you look up. You are shutting out the good while shutting out the bad." She put her hand on my arm. "I would bet that you think worse of yourself, than anyone here in this store does. Try this, instead of thinking that everyone is out to hurt you, try thinking that everyone is trying to be your friend. Smile, dear. You do have a pretty face."
I stood there while she patted my arm once again, and started to move down the aisle. I was hit with the realization that she was right. I had been so down on myself, that I never thought about all the good qualities I possessed. I was a hell of an athlete, my friends always amazed how much more fit I was than them. I tried to help all those around me, never giving up in trying to solve someone's problem. I was a good person. Then the big picture hit me again. I was a good person who just happened to be fat.
That word, for so long had such a terrible meaning behind it. I realized then and there, that it was me who was putting the meaning behind it. It was a word, a descriptive word, not a punishment, not an insult..just a word. I smiled. I felt joy, true freedom for the first time in my life. I was no longer bound by what others thought of me. My opinion was the only thing that mattered. I was master of my own destiny, and I decided that I was no longer going to be afraid of the world and that word, but to embrace it.
I walked out of that store a new woman. A strong, confident woman, who looked people straight in the eye and smiled. And surprisingly, I got more smiles back than frowns. I passed off those frowns as people who were having a bad day. They weren't frowning at me. They didn't even know me, so why should they dislike me. I was just another person; a fat person, but a happy one. If those two together made them unhappy, then that is their problem, not mine.
My life got a whole lot easier from that day. I had more friends, and I attributed it to the fact that I liked myself, so therefore others wanted to like me as well. As for my mother and her never ending battle to not have a fat daughter? Well, that Christmas she got a rude awakening, when I brought over my new boyfriend, Mark, whom I had met at a BBW club. He truly loved me for me, and not just my size (which believe me, was a refreshing change that I was liked FOR my size!). When my mother quietly referred to my inability to lose weight, Mark looked her straight in the eye, and told her that she was the only one in the room that seemed to have a problem with my size. To this day, she has never said another word about my weight.
I guess my point to my story is this. Don't become your own worst enemy. We all want to love and be loved in return. But the first step to this is to love ourselves, and accept ourselves no matter what size we are. This is our only way to true happiness and freedom.
The End
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"Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it." ~Russel Baker |
 | "To see the Summer Sky Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie - True Poems flee." ~Emily Dickinson |