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And the Loser Is…
People never really ever cease stunning me. On the months where I can’t get any input from other authors, actors, etc (which is more often than not) I really attempt to tackle the hard issues – the things no one else wants to say but everyone’s thinking. I’ve discussed the underlying causes of societal discrimination, an entire year as a whole and even made playful jabs at the concern over the perceived inadequacies of one’s bosoms, and I have never gotten as much feedback from any previous article – or, for that matter, all of my previous articles combined – as I did for this one: what are the worst songs that you’ve heard.
Apparently, song badness is something people put far more stock in than, say, international politics, the economy, interpersonal relationships and even self-actualization. And I don’t blame you. I hear a bad song on the radio and I immediately hit the button for the next station over with a greater speed than my car is going at any given time. Suffice it to say my dash board and car clock are filled with index-finger-sized holes from when they play any number of things. So, I asked you all to write in with your songs and comments on songs based on overall badness and lyric badness. You all sort of missed the memo on the latter, so we’ll focus more on the former. Also to note before we dive in is that entire bands were thrown in as one massive lump of failure, so if no song is provided that’s why.
- Every song ever done by Soulja Boy (They can’t even spell. Is anyone surprised?)
- Chris Brown – Dance Forever
- Vanilla Ice – Ice, Ice Baby (Am I the only one who remembers the “Ninja Rap”? Any takers?)
- The entire library of White Snake (Hey, I’m the messenger. You guys voted for these, not me!)
- Def Leopard – Pour Some Sugar on Me (I don’t even want to know what this song’s about.)
- Spice Girls – If You Wanna Be My Lover (I suppose now is as good a time as any that some of these songs are SO REVILED that people didn’t bother to look up their proper names before telling me their votes since the proper name is “Want to Be”.)
- Everything by Sarah McLaughlin (Whoever that is.)
- The “I’m Too Sexy” song (Everyone seems to know this song but no one knows who did it.)
- Everything by Sonny & Cher. Which I shall take one step further and say also everything by Sonny alone and everything Cher did alone. Twice over.
- Sir Mix
- Lot – Baby Got Back (I don’t see the problem. He just likes big butts. And he cannot lie. Okay, okay, I’ll stop.)
- Party all the Time
- Walking on Sunshine
- Rico Suave
- The “My Humps” song (An awful lot of hatred was brought against this song in particular but it somehow failed to be voted the worst song ever, which surprises me. My friend, Aneta, singing this song is particularly atrocious.)
- Hansen – Mmm Bop (People remember this song well. It was everywhere when I was in middle school.)
- Everything by Lady Gaga (This would’ve beat out every other option by over 50,000 votes. However, I had to explain to my friend, Sean, that his vote only counted once.)
- Everything by Miley Cyrus (Her dad had one hit song in the early ‘90s. She has absolutely no talent whatsoever. Why can’t I escape her? Why?)
- Taylor Swift (And I quote, “I had no idea you could spell ‘country’ without the ‘o’!”
- Cage the Elephant – Ain’t no Rest for the Wicked (If I were president, I would put forth a bill charging musicians a 500 dollar fee for every intentional grammatical error in each album. I’d have the American national deficit paid off by next week.)
- Payne – Buy You a Drink (With a name like that, you just know it’s a winner.)
- Bobby Sherman – Julie, Julie, Julie (This was a special vote from my mother. This is a woman who doesn’t even change her facial expression while discussing global concerns. However, if I even mention this song in passing she goes into a fury unseen since the ancient German tribes about how much she hates this song.)
- Archie Bells & The Drells – Tighten Up (I don’t care if he comes from Texas, dad, this song is awful.)
- James Brown – Papa’s got a Brand New Bag (Much hatred expressed by the ladies about this one.)
- Diana Ross & Lionel Ritchie – Endless Love
- Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You (Unfortunately for Ms Houston, not many people seem to love this song.)
- My Heart will go On (And so does this song. Much the same way I feel about math classes and root canals.)
- Baha Men – Who Let the Dogs Out (I don’t know, but I wish they hadn’t now that I’ve heard this song.)
- Everything by Reba McEntire
- Jay & The Americans – What Would My Mary Say (I quote, “I know exactly what she’d say, you cheating schmuck. STOP IT!”)
- Kid Rock – All Summer Long (I quote, “It’s about some dumba** stoners in MICHIGAN who listen to "Sweet Home Alabama" and smoke pot for a summer. Wowee! What a great idea for a song!”)
- America – Horse with no Name (Much ire aimed at this one too.)
- Coldplay – Viva la Vida (I quote, “They copied the riffs from Joe Satriani, they stole the lyrics from a French poet. There’s no redeeming value to this song,”)
- Where have all the Flowers Gone – Done by many various weenies (I heard this song as a small child and as a grown man. It’s still a song for weenies.)
- Scarlet Ribbons – Various (I hate this song with a burning passion that would rend asbestos.)
- Everything by the Beegees/Frankie Valley & the Four Seasons (I quote, “It’s like the Uncanny Valley of the vocal chords. It’s sort of human and at the same time, not human enough to be real.”)
- Faith Hill – Cry (Which is precisely what this song makes me want to do.)
- Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much (I quote, “And neither do you! Now put some clothes on.”)
- MacArthur Park (I quote, “Oh, the cake!”)
Okay, so now that we’ve gone on for almost two pages with of songs you all voted for, the shocker? None of the above are the “Worst Song Ever”! Are you ready for this? I’m not sure I am, but we’re going on anyways!
And the winner – decided by you, the voters – of SSBBW Magazine’s “Worst Song Ever” contest is:
After 16 years…
Los Del Rio – The Macarena!
The number of votes speaks volumes. The song’s been out since 1993 and people to this day remember the horrors and the inability to escape its musical wrath. So, now that I have helped get many, many terrible songs in your head, you may now return to the safeties of reality and away from the horrors of bad music. Thank you to all who participated and I hope to see this kind of response in the future (ha-ha-ha, yeah, right, I hear you all saying).
PS: The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
Written by: Jeff M.
|"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."
|"'Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world."