LITERATURE

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The Casual Observation about Women and Their Endowments

By: Jeff, unless this article offends you, then you can blame Sue.

Note: The author I contacted concerning this month's article has appeared to have fallen off the face of the planet. As a result, you all are stuck with me again this month. Enjoy.

In a recent poll, conducted by your humble literature section editor, I discovered that 100% of women are dissatisfied with the current condition of their - for lack of a more PC term - bosoms. And before I go a single sentence further than I already have, I solemnly swear that this article will remain as light on the sexuality as possible, and I will not resort to cheap bosom jokes in order to fill out (tee-hee) this article. As I was, yes, women are highly dissatisfied with their bosoms, if the grand total of six women I got to take part of my survey are indicative of women at large.

Now, some of you might be citing that my survey had some flaws or that six women is not a sufficient number. You'd be wrong on both points. First, my survey was awesome and second, I've never once met a woman who was satisfied with her bosoms, let alone her entire physique. It's a really big deal in westernized society - bosoms. It's also somewhat taboo, particularly for a male to discuss, but I'm going to venture into this touchy subject to better innumerate my findings and to maybe help break out of the prudish shell preventing us from openly discussing a topic that we all talk about when members of the opposite gender are not present. Plus this gives me a legitimate excuse to use the word "Bosoms" in an article. Bosoms, bosoms, bosoms.

Okay, seriously for a moment, bosoms are a big deal. Not just bosoms in and of themselves, though that certainly is a part of it, it's the entire idea of physiological inadequacy. The idea that they're too big, too small, too round, too triangular, too droopy, too perky, et al ad infinitum. It's very uncomfortable to think about at-length or out loud, so we go on our self-conscious way through our days and hope to whatever deity (or lack thereof) we each acknowledge that no one looks at them because THE SHAME! THE SHAAAAAME! AAAAGH!!!

I'm better now. Again, this is a predominantly female issue, as you don't see many men discussing how they've blossomed yet, except Meatloaf from Fight Club but the less said about that, the better. See, men have their vital bits hidden away in a place that is, basically, exposed in relation to other equally vital organs such as the heart or brain, but still covered by our clothing. Hence, men don't really get seen in that same way. Bosoms - or lack thereof - tend to stand out more and command attention to themselves because men are ignorant, pig-headed selfish jerks. No, wait, I meant that it's part of our biological makeup or whatever excuse is convenient at this juncture.

Let's just go ahead and get a few things established at this point. Men look. We do. I'm sorry. I wish I could say we don't, that we respect your body the way we admire the Aztec ruins (via National Geographic, probably) but that's just not how it goes. Size, shape, age, interest in the ground they have, none of that matters. We look. Now I know a lot of you are thinking that this is simply a boorish cultural more drilled into our heads at an impressionable age. and you'd be right. In some African cultures, it's women's legs, in some Asian cultures, it's the feet, and in Russia, it's probably the eyebrows or something. Ha-ha, just kidding. But no matter how you cut it, we're going to look at SOMETHING. Men are visually-based animals and that's something that's not changing any time soon.

Now we have the basic deal down, we can move on. It doesn't seem to matter what size or shape they take, every woman I've met and known well enough to discuss her bosoms at-length (this number is disappointingly high as I spent my entire high school career in the "Friend Zone", which meant they could talk to me about anything - and I mean anything - but was virtually un-dateable) was unhappy with them. Every conceivable reason under the sun (and a few that I had not previously seen as conceivable) was used as to why their bosoms weren't good enough. This stuck me as rather striking, as you might imagine. Here I am: a young, red-blooded male and these women are attempting to convince me that their bosoms aren't attractive. I think they'd have better luck convincing me the sun rose in the west.

This all points back to the underlying key issue of the size-acceptance movement: a narrow, unrealistic portrayal of feminine physical "perfection". I recently learned, for example, that Barbie, proportionately, would have measurements of 36-26-36. This would render her a quadruped - a creature that moves on four legs as opposed to two. That's what their idea of "perfection" is. If that's not the perfect mental image - a Barbie doll on her hands and knees, unable to stand because of her "perfect" bosoms and itty-bitty feet - then I don't know how else to sum this up.

This isn't helped by the fact that the ideas of "too big", "too small", etc are all highly subjective. Opinion, undefined, the "truth" as told by politicians. A dear friend of mine - let's call him "Shane" - is dating a nice young lady who, at best, has the chest of a little boy. I hate to put it that way, but any funnier comparisons escape me at the moment. Mind you: this is not a bad thing. Shane and she are quite happy together and the fact that she has smaller bosoms is ideal for Shane's desires. Meanwhile, a different friend - let's call him "Dean" - tends to be attracted to more C-DD-size bosoms. Meanwhile, meanwhile, I - let's call me "Jeff" - have the widest range in bosoms size and shapes. Simply put: much the same as body types, if bosoms exist in different sizes, there must be those who are attracted to them at each size.

You might've noticed by now that I don't seem to be taking this topic particularly seriously. This might offend some of you and for that, I apologize. Let me explain why: human inadequacy is something we all face. Yes, even guys. Bosoms just tend to get the brunt of it because they're harder to miss than most other body parts. The simple fact is - your bosoms, your hips, your butt, your arms, legs, face, etc, etc, etc - your body is fine as it is. No matter the shape or size, there's someone out there who prefers it that way. That's just how it works. The human gene pool's greatest strength is its diversity - including shapes and sizes.

See, it wasn't all about bosoms, but a vast, elaborate metaphor for the human body and how regardless of shape or size, we can all find our soul mates and lead the world to a more tolerable, more understanding state of being. I hope you really take this all to heart and consider that the human body is a thing of beauty and is to be loved and respected. If someone doesn't respect it, then they aren't worth the air they take up. And, more morbidly, we'll all end up worm chow in the long run, so just enjoy yourself and take it day-by-day. See you next time!

PS: Bosoms, bosoms, bosoms.

Written by: Jeff M.

	"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." ~Benjamin Franklin
	"Being grandparents sufficiently removes us from the responsibilities so that we can be friends." ~Allan Frome